(^ Pic of my Dad and I in San Diego — kinda when this journey I’m about to tell you, began)…
After yesterday’s post, about stepping deeper into new habits I’ve wanted to create for ages,
I thought I better write another today as part of my daily writing promise I made to myself,
I mean, my self-promise is out there now,
It’s on my social media feeds, and printed here on this blog,
Talk about accountability goals 🙌
(I’m so lame but I love it).
Anyways, I’m quite enjoying this ‘meditation’ series that I’ve created unintentionally,
Meditating, and writing down my after-thoughts, feels like a pretty neat way to document for myself,
And today, what came up was this,
A little proud moment for how far I’ve come on my life journey so far.
Uh-huh, I’m proud of me today.
And I don’t care if you think that’s arrogant or whatever, I see it more as an active exercise of self-loving.
So, I’m proud of me.
Looking back through my food journey, to where I am sitting on this couch writing this post today, I’ve come a LONG way.
Just for fun, I’m going to outline my food journey:
(Lil’ side note: If you’ve had a not so loving food journey, or even if you’re still in the depths of yours, you probably shouldn’t compare your journey to my journey — just a general rule of happiness. All of our experiences are different.)
Ages 1–11: I ate whatever I wanted, well what my parents gave me, but I had zero hang ups over food. My Mum and Dad did an awesome job of feeding me great food. Home cooked meals all the time. Alllll the time. And I never thought twice about what I was putting in my mouth and my weight.
Ages 11–13: Meh, high school. Need I say more? That’s when a bit of ‘comparing how my tummy and legs looked to others’ went on. So sometimes I skipped lunch. But felt way to hungry so I thought, sod that.
Ages 13–16: Karate was my life. I didn’t eat to fuel my sport at first. But after multiple fainting on my Sensei spells and going dizzy during sparring (not good) I educated myself more on pre and post training food. And carbs were life.
Ages 16–17: Somedays I ate loads, somedays I ate little. I had body hangups like most teenagers do, but I didn’t really change the way I ate. I still ate whatever I wanted. And enjoyed as many Starbucks caramel hot chocolates with cream and caramel sauce as I wanted.
Ages 17–20: Here’s where things changed. Really changed. I had just ‘escaped’ something pretty traumatic that had it’s hands wrapped tightly around me for 3 solid years, and to distract myself from the pain I felt — I turned to controlling food.
At first, I genuinely thought my relationship with food got complicated cos’ I wanted to look ‘skinny’.
But when I had some help from incredible people in my life, they helped me see, it wasn’t that, it was my coping mechanism for living in denial.
So, I cut cals big time, to 50–100 a day. Then I binged. Then I was bulimic. Then I binged because my body wouldn’t let me get ‘rid’ anymore.
It was hard times.
Age 20: I had my epiphany, and decided it was time to heal. I wrote all about that here.
Age 20–23: Let the healing journey begin — I still struggled with binge urges, and yeah I gave in loads of times. I was dealing with letting go of the trauma. So falling back to food was just comforting to me. I didn’t really put on a lot of weight, but I definitely felt the consequences of the damage I did to my body. I’d say this period of time was the hardest.
Going back and forth with ways of eating. Eating too much. Too little. Crying through food behaviour urges. Getting angry. Crying more. Feeling lost.
Allll the emotions.
Age Now (24): My relationship with myself and food has never been better.
What’s changed? Well I sat through all those HARD emotions.
I learnt how to say ‘no’ to things I want to say no to. How to say ‘yes’ to what I want, and bloody go after what I want.
Believe in myself more.
Got clear on my values.
Really care for my body and listen to it (this is an every single day I’m alive practice).
Smile and laugh more.
Became more curious.
And maybe one of the biggest shifts of all? Let go of having ‘expectations’.
That’s a whole other post in itself for another time.
And you know what?
As a result of all the changes I’ve been working so hard and relentlessly on — I feel so much more energetic, clearer on things I want, my body ‘looks leaner’, is a LOT stronger, a lot, and I feel good in what I wear and in my skin.
It feels GREAT.
Honestly, I could write a book on all this,
But I want to try and keep this short and sweet (I say rambling on),
There’s SO much I could write about this journey so far…
This is a never ending thing. Like I said above, for me — it’s an every single day of my life practice, to be on the relentless pursuit of self-care and growth.
I’ll be damned if I ever let myself feel that pain again, or be that un-loving to my soul.
So if you’re struggling, no matter what it is, just know, when it’s real hard, SIT WITH IT, it gets better.
It gets SO much better.
And you’ll reach a day where you genuinely feel proud of yourself and how far you’ve come.
(And not just say you’re proud of yourself for the sake of it — because we all know that happens).
It feels huge to me to reach this point today.
Thanks for reading my journey (if you made it this far down the page),
Sending you big love, lovely.
Let’s see what day 11 brings.
Zillions of big love,